sometimes you need a joke thread...post em here

The Principal of an elementary school went into a kindergarten classroom with all the a pack of Life Savers and told the kids, "I am going to give you all the same flavor and if you can tell me what it is then you will all get a prize." He gave them all Honey, and didn't tell them what flavor it was. The kids ate them and no one knew what kind of flavor they were, so he said, "Here I will give you a clue, your mother might call your father this."
Little Johnny stands on a chair and shouts, "Everyone spit them out, it's Daisy flavored!" ITS JUST NOT AS FUNNY WITH THE CUSS WORD CHECKER ON!!!!!! HAHAHAHA

could have harmful effects on young minds....please censor yourselves accordingly.




There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear. She goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on tv and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look around her at the tv. She opens her legs and says, "You want some of this?"The husband replies, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear."

25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.


provided by funnylists.net

A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

True Friendship
1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry tulip who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining

6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.

7. When you are sick, ..stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy buttercup.

Funny Bumper Stickers
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your buttercup?

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Good Lord loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an Daisy.

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!

Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex
1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

Actual Label Instructions On Consumer Goods
On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

LOL Joan..
This one is for you!!!

Beans, beans, the musical fruit,
The more you eat, the more you toot,
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So lift up your leg and let one squeal!

10-20-30-40-50 or more:
Just Joan cut a fart in the grocery store!

Thirty people died trying to hold their breath,
And Just Joan cut another one and blew out the rest!

A fart is a chemical substance,
It comes from a place called bum;
It penetrates through the trousers,
And lands with a musical hum.
To fart, to fart, 'tis no disgrace;
It warms the blankets on cold winter nights,
And suffocates all the fleas.

WTF, WTF, WTF???????????? :36_11_2[1].gifYOU OLD GOAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UP YOUR KILT WITH A WIRE BRUSH!!!!!!!!!!!! FARTS TO YOU

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