WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD
I
went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course
of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared
and consumed a massive quantity of my patented road-kill chili. Tasty
stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your
butt cheeks WILL fall off..
Here's
the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's
Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal
tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by
my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing
that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.
I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for
purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from
the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh Oh ,
gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing
is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were
staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way
through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large
intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the
toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired
a warning shot.
There
I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a
toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have
you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what
I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I
could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head
as though trying to ward off angry bees.. This, of course, made me feel
terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's
the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if
you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone
was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were
no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store
towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd
make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
buttercup is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was
in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made
a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-lady slipper!, did it smell
that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes.. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt
up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,
'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I
was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too
kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to
eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in
court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to
repaint the store.
Wed Feb 03, 2010 11:36 am
